i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
