I met the friendliest cop last night
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
