Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
