I wish I could teleport
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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