OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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