I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
