Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
