She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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