I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
