I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
