I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
