im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
