I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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