I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
