you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Randomize
