drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
