I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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