youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My bed smells like the plague
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