pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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