Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
