Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
