she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize