God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
