guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
