some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Vodka?
Forever.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
