I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
