Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
