Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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