I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
