I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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