Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
