How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
