Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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