Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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