if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
