Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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