i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
