guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
