On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
