I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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