he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
