Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
