Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
