Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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