Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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