Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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