can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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