Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
