Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Randomize
