He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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