So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
