I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
