You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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