I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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